


Living while pretending I don't know you (I didn't know it would be insanely saddening like this)

by nico_neo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Accident, Angst, Angst and Feels, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Character Injury, Permanent Injury, Physical Disability, Sad with a Happy Ending, honestly I don't know how to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-08 23:27:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17395745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nico_neo/pseuds/nico_neo
Summary: It was a simple dare. Nothing bad was supposed to happen.It was only supposed to be a dare.





	Living while pretending I don't know you (I didn't know it would be insanely saddening like this)

“Jen, I dare you to jump with me from the cliff.”

The raven-haired looked at Jaemin, who was already standing up, only with his swim short on, ready to jump into the blue water. The honey-haired turned back to look at his best friend.

“Come on!” he whined.

“Alright, alright.” Jeno sighed, standing up. “Weren’t we supposed to go surfing though?”

“We’ll do that later.” Jaemin simply grinned at him.

They both walked to the edge of the cliff, looking down at the azure water. The sea level seemed deep from their position.

Jaemin nudged him with his elbow and shot him a smile.

“At the count of three?”

Jeno smiled back and started to count. Both boys jumping when they reached number three.

 

 

Jaemin felt his body diving into the water quicker than he thought, it didn’t stop him from enjoying the feeling for a second before making his way over the surface, getting rid of the watery strands of hair on his forehead. He looked around him and furrowed his eyebrows.

Where was Jeno?

He turned around hurriedly, not finding the other boy.

“Come on, Jeno, if it’s a prank it’s not funny!”

No response.

Jaemin turned back around. His eyes suddenly widened when he spotted a mope of black hair, floating.

The younger didn’t waste a second and messily swam to the other boy, wrapping his arms around his waist to get his head out of the water. Jeno took a shaky breath, coughing water. His body felt so heavy in Jaemin’s arms, the honey haired was struggling to maintain him.

He was about to ask him if he was okay and if they could swim toward the beach when Jeno spoke up between two shaky breaths.

“Nana, I can’t feel my legs.”

 

 

 

It’s been three years now, since the incident.

Jeno had lost the use of both his legs.

And Jaemin couldn’t look at him anymore.

Even their common friends turned their back on him. Not entirely, but nothing was the same anymore.

The only one who was always there was Jeno. Kind of ironic if you wanted Jaemin’s point of view.

After all, he’s the one to blame, right? It’s all because of him.

He and Jeno just ended high school when the incident happened. And they had planned to take an apartment, just the two of them. Jaemin thought that the idea had been dismissed with what happened but, surprisingly, Jeno still wanted the shared apartment with him.

And Jaemin didn’t know if it was the best decision. Because that meant he would see Jeno every day, help him every day. Not that he minded, it was the only thing he could do. But seeing his best friend’s state only reminded him of that summer day, three years ago. The day Jaemin wanted to end their friendship to become something more.

The day he ruined Jeno’s life.

Because yes, he ruined Jeno’s life.

Before the incident, the raven-haired was in the volleyball team. Now, the only thing he could do was watching the volleyball matches from afar. Before, Jeno used to walk with them to high school every day. Now, Jeno couldn’t walk anymore.

What could he do that he was doing before, now? Nothing.

And it was all Jaemin’s fault.

Even though Jeno denied it every time the younger was bringing the subject up.

 

 

On Jeno’s side, he didn’t blame the younger for what happened. It was not Jaemin’s fault. It was his own. It’s him who accepted to jump anyway.  Even though their day wasn’t supposed to end in a hospital room. Jeno had rather imagined taking Jaemin to the beach, during the evening and confess his feelings but life chose otherwise.

At the back of his head, he was glad it was him and not Jaemin. The younger wouldn’t have handle it. Jaemin loved his freedom too much.

He was surprised when Jaemin still accepted to share an apartment with him. He really thought the younger was going to refuse. But he was glad Jaemin was with him. Otherwise, he would go crazy.

He often felt sorry to be such a burden to the younger. But Jaemin dismissed it every time, blaming himself instead.

When will he understand it was not his fault? Jeno didn’t know.

But he really hoped Jaemin will.

At nights, after Jaemin had helped him getting into their shared bed (they didn’t bother to buy separate ones because they were sleeping with each other anyway), and that the younger had settled himself comfortably, his back facing Jeno, and had fallen asleep, when he thought Jeno wasn’t sleeping, Jeno could hear him cry. Crying and mumbling he was sorry, that it was all his fault. When Jeno couldn’t hear him cry anymore, he always struggled to turn around, but slowly, he would wrap his arms around Jaemin waist, hugging him close and whispering in his ear that he didn’t have to be sorry and that it wasn’t his fault. In the mornings, Jeno always untangled himself from Jaemin before the younger would wake up.  

But Jaemin wasn’t looking at him anymore.

 

 

 

When Jeno entered the kitchen, pushing the wheels of his wheelchair, he saw that Jaemin was actively cooking their tonight’s dinner. The view made him smile. He entered further in the kitchen and started opening several drawers and cupboards he could reach Jaemin shot him a look but quickly looked away.

“What are you doing?” he eventually asked.

“I’m setting the table.” Jeno answered, putting the plates on his knees, cutlery inside the plates and started wheeling to the living room, where the table was. Jaemin simply hummed and the raven-haired suppressed a loud sigh.

While he was setting the table, Jeno realized he forgot the glasses.

“Nana.” He called out. “Can you bring two glasses when you’re finished?”

No response. But a few seconds later, Jaemin came in with their main dish. He returned to the kitchen and came back to the living room with two glasses and sat down. Never sparing a glance to Jeno.

That’s when Jeno snapped.

He slammed the plate on the corner of their wood table, breaking it in pieces. The move and sudden noise startled Jaemin, who shot him a worried glance, but avoided his gaze a mere second after.

Jeno could feel his blood boil.

“Look at me.” He said angrily. “Look at me, Jaemin.”

The younger’s gaze never left his hands.

“Are you going to keep on pretending you don’t see me?” Jeno started, slowly wheeling himself closer to Jaemin. “I’m right in front of your eyes Jaemin.” He said, his tone harsh. “So, look at me…Please.” The last part was only a whisper, but it made Jaemin lift his gaze a little. Even though he was still not looking at Jeno directly.

Jeno took a shaky breath and started talking again.

“Do you know how I feel? Don’t you think I’m hurting too? You’re not the only one suffering from all of this Jaem. But you know what’s worse?” His eyes were now teary. “It’s not because I can’t use my legs anymore that I’m hurting the most. No… It’s because you don’t look at me anymore, Nana.”

Right then, Jaemin met his gaze. And the view broke his heart.

The younger had tears rolling on his cheeks, and his bottom lip was wobbling as he started to finally speak.

“Don’t you think I’m not hurt?!” he cried. “Whatever you say Jen, I’m the one who dared you to jump from that cliff that day. All of this, it’s because of me.” The honey-haired voice came out as a sob. “And I can’t look at myself anymore.”

“So, you’re doing that only to quench your conscience?” Jeno asked.

“No.” Jaemin shook his head, more tears coming down his eyes to strain his cheeks. “I’m doing this because I love you.” Before Jeno could add anything, the honey haired started talking again. “But you can’t love me.” A shaky breath. “Besides, that’s the only way I can stay with you.”

“Why?” the raven haired simply said.

“Because I’m the cause of your pain!” Jaemin cried, as if it was an evidence.

The younger bent down, his elbows resting on his knees as he took his head in his hands, sniffling and sobbing.

A mere second later, he felt two warm and calloused hands taking his own, away from his face. He met Jeno’s teary gaze. The older then cupped both his cheeks, maintaining the eye contact. The raven haired looked at him for long seconds, so Jaemin did the same. And that’s when he realized: when was the last time he closely looked at Jeno like that?

The thought made him cry harder, more and more tears welling in his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. But this time, thumbs were there to wipe them away.

Jeno looked at him with fondness, and a soft smile grazing on his lips.

“I don’t care, Jaemin.” He said gently, his thumbs tracing soothing patterns on Jaemin’s cheeks. “I want you. I need you in my life. So, never say again that I can’t love you. Because I do love you.” Jeno’s voice broke at the end of his sentence and this time, he was the one with tears rolling down his cheeks. But this time, Jaemin wiped them away.

Jeno pushed himself further towards Jaemin, the younger’s head still in his hands and brought their foreheads together. Both boys were now crying.

Jaemin broke down once again, uncontrollable tears streaming down his cheeks as he kept mumbling apologizes into Jeno’s neck, the older massaging his neck and scalp as a way to try to soothe him. Between the amount of “I’m sorry” he could hear, Jeno could sometimes decipher Jaemin mumbling “I’m sorry, I love you so much, I’m sorry” which brought a smile on his lips.

He gently pushed Jaemin’s head away from his neck, and before the younger could say anything, the raven haired pecked his cheek, then his nose, and finally, his lips.

It was a simple peck, nothing more. But he kept on doing it.

As he was about to peck Jaemin’s lips for the nth time, before he could move away, Jaemin pulled on the collar of his shirt and properly sealed their lips together.

It was sloppy, desperate, but both boys could now feel all the unspoken words, directed to each other.

When they parted, out of breath, lips swollen, and hair disheveled, they both looked at each other.

“Let’s work this out together.” Jeno whispered, as if he was afraid of breaking the silence that settled. “I need you, Nana.”

“I need you most.” Jaemin whispered back.

The younger wrapped his arms around Jeno’s neck, holding him tightly like he never did for the past three years. And the older hold him just as tight. And even if it was only whispers, they both heard the “I love you”s directed to each other.

 

They might be both broken. Both on different levels. But they both had each other. They were each other’s home in this broken reality that was theirs.

**Author's Note:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/niconeo3)   
>  [curiouscat](https://t.co/e1UnChL5kj)


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